Doubt
by sillybella
Summary: Does everyone believe Bella's cliff diving was recreational? Series of drabbles.
1. Doubt: Alice

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Thanks to Bronzehairedgirl for a wonderful beta.

_**Doubt: Alice**_

by silly bella

I know what I saw. The wind and rain buffeting her hair as she stood there on the edge of the precipice. Her smile, as she let the drops of water roll over her face. Was the rain mixed with tears? Or was she truly so happy about this choice? The rocking motions as she rose on the balls of her feet and leaned forward, arms out as if reaching for something. For him? Did she see him then, as she leapt off, feet-first, into the air? And her scream as she twisted in the wind, plummeting into the hard surface, disappearing into the cold water. I know what I saw.

And then nothing.

Had she meant to die?

Even Edward wasn't certain, but then, he'd become increasingly doubtful of himself, particularly in regards to understanding Bella, since our return to Forks.

I saw the concern in Charlie's face as well.

The things he told me the morning after: her pain, the aching sadness. It fit the suicide theory.

I didn't like to think that Bella would lie to me. Was it possible to want to die and not know your own feelings? Could she truly believe it was merely recreational, while deep in her heart she wanted to die?

The expression on her face when she jumped: that pure longing and desire. The only other time I ever saw it was when she looked at my brother. She wanted him more than life itself. She'd proved that in Volterra. What had brought that same expression to her face the day she jumped? What had she wanted then?


	2. Doubt: Charlie

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the authors. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

Thanks to Bronzehairedgirl for a wonderful beta.

_**Doubt: Charlie**_

by silly bella

I wasn't sure what to make of things. For the second time in a little over a year, Bella had run off, and both times were somehow related to Edward Cullen. And in-between, his absence had left her an empty shell. Then, to find out, as I had this morning, that she had jumped off a cliff? I know what she _said_ about it. She brushed it off. _Just swimming with Jake._ I wasn't sure I could buy that. What else _could_ I think after the last few months?

Although I wanted desperately to believe her, I couldn't shake my mind of the memory from my early days on the force. It still shocked me. The boy had rigged his father's hunting rifle and killed himself. It topped my list of horrible crime scenes, worse even than the most gory wreck I'd ever seen. It was open and shut, suicide, not murder. He was so young, just nineteen. Only a year older than Bella. Not even a year, since her birthday was less than six months away.

He'd been missing for three days, his parents frantic the whole time. Even when I arrived to tell them the news, they still had hope until they saw my face. I'll never forget his mother screaming, staggering against her husband as he looked at me helplessly, tears in his eyes. It takes a lot to make a man like that cry, but he'd lost his only child. It destroyed them. They'd had no idea why it happened until after he was dead.

If she had died, at least I would have known why: him.

There were things I didn't know. When had she jumped off a cliff? And why would she think that might be fun? Could she possibly be telling the truth? Or was she hiding how she really felt? What would happen if he left again? Or if he broke up with her? Would it be something besides a cliff, then? Something more final?

Regardless, I needed to pay more attention. I was her father: it was my responsibility. I would do a better job taking care of her. I had to.


	3. Doubt: Sam

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the authors. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

Thanks to Bronzehairedgirl for a wonderful beta.

_**Doubt: Sam**_

by silly bella

I saw how she was the night they left. When we first heard she was missing, we thought they'd broken the treaty, made her one of them. We were ready to track them down and kill them, even though their greater numbers would make the outcome of any fight uncertain. Then we found her, uninjured in any physical way, but slashed open and utterly empty, just the same.

Raw pain. I knew what that was like. I'd been ripped up so many different ways by the mere presence of those bloodsuckers, I felt such pity for her. That's probably why I was willing to risk the treaty and kill that leech up in the meadow when he was about to have her for a snack. That, and Jacob's panicked thoughts screaming, "Not her. No. He can't kill her!"

I pitied her again, after I ordered Jacob not to tell her, told him to stay away from her. I'd seen how he had helped her, but he had his own place, a sacred duty, with the pack. One that even now he rejects because of her. She's all he thinks about. I felt his relief when she joined us. Her knowledge was helpful—will be helpful should we ever need to fight _them_. I thought she hated them.

And then she jumped. Cliff diving, she says. That wasn't what it looked like. It wasn't what people would have said. Suicide. That's what they would have called it. What I would have called it.

Just like her plan to become one of them. Suicide.


	4. Doubt: Carlisle

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the authors. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

Thanks to Bronzehairedgirl for a wonderful beta.

_**Doubt: Carlisle**_

by silly bella

Sometimes our own minds fool us. Allow us to hide behind the accidental. To justify our actions with false platitudes.

A man of science, I read the evidence. The things my five senses and my intellect tell me.

I've seen her medical file. Shock. She was in physical shock the night he left. Dr. Gerandy came to the hospital after they found her to chart her condition. Stage two shock, based on her breathing and confusion. Weak pulse, blue lips and fingernails, low blood pressure. Her body just shut down because we left. Because he left.

And later, the catatonia. Her mind shut down, too.

And what I saw with my own eyes that night they came back from Volterra. Bella, frailer than ever, reduced to skin and bones. Dark shadows as black as any I've ever seen on my kind. And the unknown, unfathomable fear in her eyes—the fear that told me that the things I could see and hear were only the beginning.

What was hidden in her mind?

Had she wanted to die that day? Or was the desire hidden even from her? Could it truly have been an accident?

I had my doubts, just as Edward did. He'd told me of her other "hobbies" and I'd seen the evidence of them in her files, as well. Stitches, concussions. Nothing too serious. Still, enough to recognize the risk-taking behavior in a normally cautious individual.

We might never know the answer. But one thing I did know: she could not die or we would lose him too.


	5. Doubt: Jasper

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the authors. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

Thanks to Bronzehairedgirl for a wonderful beta.

_**Doubt: Jasper**_

by silly bella

Edward thinks it's all his fault. But he's wrong. None of this would have happened at all if I hadn't gone for the bite. Not that one of us wouldn't have, sooner or later, as long as Edward refused to change her. But it was me who did it.

I can feel what the rest of them can't: the fear, the pain. If she's like that with him here and with Carlisle's promise to change her, what must she have been like with him gone? Alice told me about some of it, and I could see for myself. But I can't imagine how she felt. Wouldn't want to imagine.

I know how I felt when Alice was gone. How I dreaded the thought that she might never come back from Volterra. But Bella lived like that for months, believing he was never coming back.

If he had only asked, I could have told him how she felt, how strong her feelings were. I could have warned him. But I was gone when he made the decision. He probably wouldn't have listened anyway. For someone so stupid, he's always right. Until he's wrong in some enormous, cataclysmic way, like this time. Hurricane Edward. The Mount Vesuvius of vampires.

Bella had survived the disaster, but she might never be the same. She had her own disease of the mind: Post Traumatic Edward Syndrome. I wasn't sure there was a cure, or even a treatment. She teetered on the edge every day. What if she took that dive again?


	6. Doubt: Esme

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the authors. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

Thanks to Bronzehairedgirl for a wonderful beta.

_**Doubt: Esme**_

by silly bella

I thought of my cliff, the sheer walls, the rocky ground below, the way I felt standing on the edge of the earth, hurtling through the air. I winced at the memory of the pain, excruciating, yet not quite so bad as the pain that truly ended my life – the loss of my child. Nor so bad as the burning as I changed into the creature I am today.

There was no hope of me surviving the fall; it was more a matter of how long it would take me to die. But if I had survived, what would I have said?

Poor Bella. She tries to make everyone else so happy. Did her hopelessness lead her to that cliff? Could his absence have made her want to release the tenuous grasp on her life, just as he felt when he thought he'd lost her? If he believed that, if he had no doubt, his guilt for leaving, already so strong, might push him too far into the darkness of his own mind, that part of himself that chants "monster". She knows this. She would never tell him.

But does she know the truth? What did she really want as she leapt from that stone face into the seething wall of water below? I know what she said, but does she truly know what she felt?


	7. Doubt: Rosalie

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the authors. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

Thanks to Bronzehairedgirl for a wonderful beta.

_**Doubt: Rosalie**_

by silly bella

Good lord, the drama. Edward attracted it the way black velvet attracted lint. Although I couldn't deny my own role in this last production. If I had never called him…

But I had, and that was all there was to it. Seriously, she jumped off a cliff. I didn't get that part wrong. Alice saw it. Really, how was I supposed to know she hadn't died? Alice didn't even know.

The thing I really don't understand is the idea of cliff diving. Who jumps off a cliff for fun? I don't buy it, and I'm surprised that Edward does. If he really does. He's good at masking what he feels, and since none of us can crawl into his head, it's hard to tell what he thinks most of the time. At least, beyond the God-complex. But it's just common sense. Humans die when they take a flying leap off cliffs. Especially humans as uncoordinated as Bella.

And if the high dive wasn't enough to prove her suicidal, running after Edward to Volterra was. Not that I'm unhappy she did that. I'm grateful. I may not always like Edward, but he is my brother. He's part of my family. And now she is, too, I suppose. I hope she knows what she's getting herself into.

Maybe it's the gentleman in him. Admittedly, we watch him a bit more carefully now. He tried to bait the Volturi into killing him, which is about as suicidal as it gets for a vampire. Perhaps, knowing that, he's protecting her from the same scrutiny by playing along with the 'cliff diving' excuse.

Either way, whether it was just for fun or she actually wanted to die, the girl is crazy. Here's some evidence for you. A fragile human who hangs out with vampires and werewolves. Talk about a death wish. Pure insanity. And then, of course, there's the fact that she loves Edward. The girl is demented. I guess she is perfect for him, after all.


	8. Doubt: Emmett

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the authors. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

Thanks to Bronzehairedgirl for a wonderful beta.

_**Doubt: Emmett**_

by silly bella

What on earth had he been thinking when we left? She loved him. There was never any doubt about that. No doubt that he loved her, too. We knew he'd come back eventually. Jasper and I even had a bet on how long it would take him. But we never counted on what it would do to her.

That night, when they got home from Italy, she looked so awful. I wondered what they'd done to her. If Jane had hurt her, even. I didn't know until Alice told me that she looked that way before they left for Volterra. But I should have. We were already her family. As if we needed that vote to prove that. And we all left her alone because it's what he wanted. Idiot. Edward had us, whether he wanted us or not. But Bella was alone. The best support she had was a pack of werewolves—not exactly the most sympathetic ears or the best shoulders to lean on when you're missing vampires.

But they did keep her safe. Even Edward, as jealous as he is of that dog, knows that. There's no denying they kept her alive, killing Laurent, guarding her from Victoria, and pulling her out of the ocean when she would have drowned. I don't think they kept her safe all that time to turn around and kill her now, even if she is hanging out with a coven of vampires. If Edward doesn't see that soon, she may never forgive him. It's his own fault, anyway. If we'd never left, she'd never have needed to turn to them. To rely on a bunch of mangy mutts to keep her alive. She thought of them as family. Her _other_ family. She worried about them, just as she worried about us.

I watched her now, more frail and vulnerable than ever. Of course she was scared. What human wouldn't be? She had a crazy vampire out for vengeance hunting for her. That would be enough to drive most people over the edge. But Bella wasn't most people, although I feared that my brother had already driven her over the edge. She was scared of other things. Us fighting Victoria. The wolves fighting Victoria. Victoria killing her father. Edward leaving. That was her big fear. I could see it when he left to hunt. Hell, I could see it when he left the room.

I wondered what it was that made her want to die that day.

Edward assured me, when he heard me worrying, that it wasn't like that. That she really hadn't been trying to kill herself. He couldn't even look at me when he told me. He stared guiltily at the ground and confessed that she was trying to hear his voice. It didn't make much sense, but apparently the motorcycle and the cliff were all part of some adrenaline rush to dredge up his voice from her mind. What else would she have done if we hadn't come back? He seemed to believe it, and his outright agony made it hard to be angry with him. But I wasn't so sure. I had to look in her eyes when he wasn't there. The emptiness frightened me, and I don't scare easily.

What if she did try again? If she succeeded?

With her gone, those wolves wouldn't hesitate to do what the Volturi would not. All he had to do was cross the boundary line. He'd make sure they knew he was acting independently of us, to protect us. But he was enough of an idiot to do that. I'd lose them both for real next time.


	9. Doubt: Edward

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the authors. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

Thanks to Bronzehairedgirl for a wonderful beta.

_**Doubt: Edward**_

by silly bella

She nearly killed herself because of me. I've seen it because Alice can't get it out of her head, and now, I can't get it out of mine. She wanted to hear my voice, she said. But maybe she just doesn't want me to know. She tries to protect me from myself, my guilt. But I understand that feeling of desperation. For one day I thought she was dead and my world had ended. If she felt even half that pain…

The way she watches me. She's afraid when I go away. I've told her over and over again that I will never leave her. That I _can't_ leave her. But still, she wonders. I don't have to read her mind to know that. But what else is she thinking? That's what terrifies me.

I hear the same fear in my family's thoughts. In Charlie's thoughts. I'd tell them why she did it, why she says she did it, at least, but I'm not sure they would believe it. Emmett doesn't. He wants to, just as I do, but he can't. He's afraid she might try again. So is Charlie. The rest just wonder if it was merely recreational or truly suicidal.

Accident or not, it was my fault that she nearly died by her own hand. My mistake. My own worst nightmare thwarted by my mortal enemy. Not just my enemy, but my rival. He saved her over and over again when I didn't even know she needed saving. Worse even, because I was the one who had placed her in danger.

And the danger still lurks. Victoria. The Volturi. Losing her soul. All because of me. Even if she doesn't want to kill herself, she could die. And then I would have only one choice. And Alice can't see the werewolves.


	10. Doubt: Jacob

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the authors. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

Thanks to Bronzehairedgirl for a wonderful beta.

_**Doubt: Jacob**_

by silly bella

I remembered her scream. I dreamed about it more often than I cared to admit. But in my dreams, no, my nightmares, I'm too late to save her. I'm not sure which is worse, that nightmare, or the one where she's a bloodsucker. Either way, that leech kills her every time.

What if I hadn't heard her? Hadn't been able to follow her over that cliff and pull her to the beach? Hadn't been a werewolf so that I was strong enough to keep us both from drowning? But then, if I hadn't been a werewolf, we'd have been someplace else together. Riding motorcycles. My garage. Her kitchen. She wouldn't have been trying to cliff dive alone. If that's what she was really doing, anyway.

That was the hard thing. The doubt. What if she really wanted to kill herself? He'd hurt her. Broken her completely. I thought I was helping. Especially after she'd figured out I was a werewolf—after we could be honest about the monsters in our lives. I believed she was better, but was she just better at hiding the hurt?

If she had died… If she had died then she wouldn't be thinking about becoming one of them. Would I have done a better job of saving her if I had just let her go?


End file.
